I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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