saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
