I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
