Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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