First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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