Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
