I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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