i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
These tits shall not be calmed
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
