if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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