Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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