My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
