i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Found your dick twin last night
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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