Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
