I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I need to stop coming to work sober
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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