There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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