and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
