She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
