i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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