i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
