I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
