I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
