just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize