He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
