Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
