I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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