it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
