he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
two words...techno handjob
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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