I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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