There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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