bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
