I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
