M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
