I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
