Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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