Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
