last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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