there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
