My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize