One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
