do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
