Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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