I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
