She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
