She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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