Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
she peed on how many people?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
