bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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