where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
two words...techno handjob
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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