Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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