I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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