i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I could make wine with my vomit
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
