I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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