This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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