A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
