In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
