I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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