I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
