I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
