I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
