You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize