I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
