I bet he comes in French.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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