My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
