you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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