At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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