We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
