apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
