Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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