Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
