We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
