The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
