Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
