I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
