VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
